Parenting After Divorce, Part 3 - A Step by Step Guide

Now that you've learned about the pitfalls of parenting after divorce, the consequences of ineffectively parenting after divorce, as well as some of the do's and don'ts of parenting after divorce, you have reached the final stage. The following is a worksheet and step by step guide with examples on how to provide effective, emotional support after your separation or divorce. This method of responding will ensure that you are maximizing a connection with your child while maintaining appropriate boundaries. This will take practice and might be a little frustrating at first; however, you will be able to rest assured that your responses are effective, appropriate, and maximize your relationship to your child. Click here to see the same guide adapted for teens or adult children.

The four steps to effectively supporting and responding to your child after a separation or divorce:

Investigate
Validate
Separate
Initiate

Investigate

Inquire or notice what the child may be feeling without projecting your own feelings onto the child. Focus only on what the child is displaying or saying. If your inquiry is incorrect, allow the child to correct you. Appreciate and praise the child whenever they successfully name what they are feeling. Please keep it short, concise, and only focused on the feeling more than the event.

Example:

"It looks like you might be feeling sad about not seeing Daddy this weekend."

"I wonder if you are feeling disappointed that Mom didn't come to your football game."

Validate

Acknowledge what the child is feeling or going through without adding your own content or experiences. Please remember that we are only focusing on the child and not your own history of struggles with the ex-partner.

Example:

"It can be so sad when we really want to see someone and don't get the opportunity."

"I can understand that you feel disappointed or angry when someone doesn't do what they promise."

Separate

Separate the feeling with a problematic behavior (if there is one). This can help the child learn to control impulses by recognizing them.

Example:

"It is OK to feel sad. It is not OK to bottle it up and then scream at your brother."

"It's OK to feel disappointed, AND (not but) I still expect you to respect the rules of your Mom's house."

Initiate

Assist the child in finding an alternative response or action to the strong feeling. It can help to make a list with our child ahead of time, so that you can refer to it when something happens. This will only be successful if the child has calmed.

Example:

"Please sit with me while we create a list of acceptable actions (or, OK actions) when feeling sad."

"Please take a look at the list of OK actions when feeling disappointed. I am happy to support you in choosing one of those."

I recognize that this is really hard work. So much is already being asked of you, and then I add in a bunch of rules and steps to be aware of! I encourage you to continue working and enhancing your relationship with your kids, and to make sure you also take care of yourself. For the old quote says, "you cannot pour from an empty cup".

Please let me know if you have any additional tips in the comments below!