Parenting After Divorce, Part 1 - The Importance of Parenting Well

We know that separation and divorce brings about many changes. One of the bigger areas of change that many couples underestimate is parenting and parenting strategies. The good news is that many children adjust well to separation and divorce. The majority of children do not exhibit lasting or severe emotional and behavioral problems. However, research has shown that children of divorced parents are 2x more likely to experience emotional and behavioral problems than non-separated parents. This risk is significantly reduced with the right changes in parenting strategies and by parents gaining new parenting skills. The biggest thing of note is that the most significant factor in a child's adjustment to a divorce is the degree of parental conflict during the marriage and after the divorce.

“the most significant factor in a child’s adjustment to a divorce is the degree of parental conflict during the marriage and after the divorce”

Allow me to say that once again. The single, most significant factor in a child's adjustment to a divorce or separation is how well you get along with your ex.

You're probably thinking, "It's impossible to get along with my ex! That's why we divorced!"

After 8 years of working directly with families adjusting to divorce or separation and leading seminars for separated, divorced, and blended families, I've assembled a quick guide for parenting after divorce that will minimize the 2x more likely stat and keep you and your ex partner on the right path. Even if you cannot get your ex on board, appropriate action by you can make a great deal of difference in helping your child cope and adjust well to the circumstances.

Common Questions

Here are three of the most common questions that I get from parents that are separating or divorced:

What do I do when I feel SO frustrated with how my ex is treating my child? (for example, promising to attend events and not showing up, or making plans with the kids and standing them up)
How do I respond supportively when my child is upset with my ex or his/her partner and not put them down?
If I want more time with my child but my ex-partner will not allow it? I don't want my child to think I don't want them and for them to know it was my ex's decision, not mine.

These questions, and more, will be answered during this blog series.

Why is this so important?

The fact that you are reading this blog post means that you care and have concerns about how your child is doing. Clearly learning to effectively parent after divorce is very important, because it is very very different from parenting from a committed partnership. Parents are often surprised by the big changes that come in parenting afterwards.

Below is a list of common ways your child or children may be affected by divorce, emotionally or behaviorally, that can be minimized and all together avoided if we learn to parent after divorce effectively.

Increased anxiety
Effect self-esteem and self-confidence
Increase self-downing and depression
Decline in academic achievement
Increase in disobedience, aggressive behavior, and low levels of self-regulation
Increase in social and relational problems with parents, peers, and other authorities
More likely to engage in drugs, alcohol, and earlier sexual activity

It can be helpful to remember that a biological child is 50% mom and 50% dad, or 50% one parent and 50% the other parent. If one partner puts the other person down, the child will begin to think there is something wrong with themself, especially in shared traits.

Also, being the "good parent" and attempting to elevate that by putting down the other, even when it feels like you're just stating the truth, may cause the child to resent and dislike you. It risks achieving the opposite of the desired effect.

Common Set-ups that Increase Consequences

Since the most important factor in our children's adjustment is the way we handle and manage our relationship and interactions with our ex-partner, it is important to first look at common set-ups that may increase a child's difficulty in adjusting to the separation or divorce.

Making plans and getting the kids excited without first checking with the ex-partner, if this could potentially impact the parenting agreement/schedules or in co-parenting situations where the ex-partner has equal input
Not maintaining emotional boundaries, re: confusing own hurt, disappointments, sadness with the child’s, or, reading more into the child’s struggles at ex-partner’s home because of projected feelings.
Not taking a realistic approach to the child’s complaint; re: child might be reacting/protecting you when seeing you hurt, or, behavior/objections might be common to a child of that developmental age, ie. Testing boundaries, not wanting to follow rules.
Having the wrong motivations in attempts to support the child; re: fishing for information, collecting evidence to conform negative beliefs about the ex-partner.

Next steps: