Knowing that there can be serious consequences for our children if we are not able to parent well or respond appropriately after a divorce or separation, it is important to talk about the Do's and Don'ts of parenting after divorce. First, we are going to talk about common set-ups that increase the chance of poorly effecting our child's self-esteem, academic performance, anxiety, depression, behavior, and/or social and relational problems.

Common Set-ups that Increase Consequences

Since the most important factor in our children's adjustment is the way we handle and manage our relationship and interactions with our ex-partner, it is important to first look at common set-ups that may increase a child's difficulty in adjusting to the separation or divorce. The bullet points below represent and summarize the set-ups and traps that I most frequently encountered during my work with separated, divorced, and blended families.

• Making plans and getting the kids excited without first checking with the ex-partner. This could potentially impact the parenting agreement/schedules or in co-parenting situations where the ex-partner has equal input.

• Not maintaining emotional boundaries, re: confusing own hurt, disappointments, sadness with the child’s, or, reading more into the child’s struggles at ex-partner’s home because of projected feelings.

• Not taking a realistic approach to the child’s complaint; re: child might be reacting or protecting you when seeing you hurt, or, behavior or objections might be common to a child of that developmental age, for example, testing boundaries or simply not wanting to follow the rules.

• Having the wrong motivations in attempts to support the child; re: fishing for information, collecting evidence to conform negative beliefs about the ex-partner.

Anytime we are looking to build on a skill set or to make certain, necessary adjustments, it requires a bit of self-examination and humility. Try to be honest with yourself, and focus on your own actions. It will be easy to point out the mistakes that your ex is making, which deserves recognition; however, make sure you focus on what you can control, which is your own, personal responses and actions to tricky situations that arise during co-parenting and custodial conflicts.

Here you will find the best list of Do's and Don'ts of parenting after divorce and separation gathered from research and my years of experience specializing in helping families through these changes. Any additional items are always welcomed in the comments section! Please share your experience and wisdom with us.

The Do's

• Emotionally support the child without interjecting your own feelings, beliefs, and opinions.
   

• Maintain emotional boundaries by separating your feelings from your child’s so that you can more accurately support and problem solve with them.
   

• Gain your own support from an outside family source, ie. Friend, counseling, so that you can more effectively manage your own feelings towards your ex.

• Encourage the child to speak openly and freely with the other parent.
   

• Obtain information about each other from sources other than the children.

The Don'ts

• If you do not have primary care, do not make plans with the children until first checking with the partner with primary care.
   

• Do not bad mouth or put down the other parent, no matter how frustrated you are.
   

• Do not respond to any child’s report of negative comments your ex has made about you.
   

• Do not elicit information from the child. Speak directly to the ex-partner.
   

• Do not ask children to relay messages to the other parent.
   

• Do not ask the children to keep secrets from the other parent.

When married, the best gift to your children is to have a good, healthy marriage. When divorced, the best gift you can give your children is to have low levels of conflict with your ex-partner, effective resolution of any conflict with your ex-partner, and a cooperative co-parenting relationship with your ex-partner. Now I recognize that this is not possible in all situations, so again, we must focus on those things that we can control (which unfortunately is not the other person), and trust that this work will contribute and enhance your relationship with your children. Acting above board will reinforce good values and, even if it does not seem like it now, reinforce the realities that your children may recognize about your ex-partner once they are old enough - keeping you out of the trenches. After a nice period of self-examination, you're ready for the step-by-step guide to parenting after divorce. 

Next steps:

Parenting After Divorce, Part 3 - A Step by Step Guide